Trying to Communicate With the Passive Aggressive Parents As They Duck, Weave, Lie, & Smiley face Me into Submission

March 24, 2013,

M&D: On Mar 19, 2013, at 10:08 PM

Hello Stephen,

Hope all is well with you! We-Stephen, Mom, and Dad all agree that we want a relationship with each other. We also agree that a relationship must be built on mutual respect and tolerance.

On the road to reconciliation we need to agree on a framework of communication. We feel it is important to come to an agreement on how this process should work. We realize this may take time but sure and steady leads to a better long lasting relationship. Here are some expectancies:

Use Kind words (no cussing, no name calling)
Be respectful to each other (No patronizing, sarcasm)
Constructive Conversation (no blaming, or finger pointing)
Social media is off limits ( facebook, twitter, etc.)
Do not involve or put at fault other family members
We can agree to disagree. It's OK to not resolve a particular matter.
If conversation is confrontational we discontinue till another day.

We love you. Hope this helps.

Little steps...

me:

Dear Mom & Dad,

I’ve cut and pasted your email below, and then made my adjustments directly beside what you wrote. My response/adjustments are in green. I’ve also created my own list, and found a list from Oprah’s Lifeclass that is pretty useful.

Hello Stephen,

Hope all is well with you! We-Stephen, Mom, and Dad all agree that we want a relationship with each other. We also agree that a relationship must be built on mutual respect and tolerance.

Use Kind words (no cussing, no name calling) The problem i have with this is that we are talking and communicating about subjects that aren’t very kind. I mean if we were talking about marshmallows and butterflies, I can use kind words all day long. But the seriousness of the matter, and the language that we use sometimes needs to reflect the subject matter at hand. If for instance I am describing something that is messy, i wouldn’t double negative and call it “not clean”. I speak in English, and I can abstain from cuss words, but if you are going to censor me as a defense mechanism every-time you are uncomfortable with the implications or the concept, then i am offended.
Be respectful to each other (No patronizing, sarcasm)
Constructive Conversation (no blaming, or finger pointing) The whole point of us communicating is to get to the bottom of a great rift that has occurred not only between you guys and I, but the family in general. Constructive conversation is ok, but we need to first identify the problem, and we cannot do that if we do not point a finger at it. We can all pretend to be hippies, and say it’s nobodies fault, but we have to find out what IT is, so it doesn’t happen again. The key thing to realize is that there has been lots of resentment that has built up over the years. We need to isolate it, and repair it. Also, what is constructive for one person may not be constructive for another. You both have a defense mechanism of running away from the conversation. I like to get right into the conversation even if it does get a little heated; so that i know what exactly it is that is going on. Apologize later if need be. One of the things that is really irritating is when someone removes themselves from the conversation, only to come back when they want to make their point.

Social media is off limits ( Facebook, twitter, etc.) You guys don’t have a Twitter, or a FB, i’ve been told. so this is ridiculous because it is not reciprocal. if you refuse to talk to me, and you position the rest of the family to shun me as well, you better believe i’m talking to someone, and since i don’t drive - social media is the next best thing to a conversation.
Do not involve or put at fault other family members This is also ridiculous. You guys lie - A LOT. I mean you will forget a whole history of our life, or you will re-write an episode with the opposite of what actually happened. When this happens, I need to find someone close to the situation, someone who isn’t entirely biased and ask them something or see what their thoughts are on what was said. I’ve done this with Michael, and Kenny. Sarah is completely biased and will stand with you guys to the bitter end. But that is expected, she’s become like a mini me of you guy’s complete with all your defense mechanisms.
We can agree to disagree. It's OK to not resolve a particular matter.
If conversation is confrontational we discontinue till another day. This is something that you guys have always stood by. It’s the, we are right, and we will hold our position over the course of time routine. When you feel like you don’t need to explain, or when you simply don’t have an explanation - possibly when your logic is off, you retreat, gather your composure, and change your story. I, however, need to resolve this quickly. I don’t like it when i don’t get to talk to you guys, or the family, or go to family functions, or visit, or see the dogs. I don’t like it when you guys are blaming me for something i didn’t even do, or using French Code of Law, or not allowing me freedom of speech. And i certainly don’t like not trusting you, or being overly cautious with everything i say for fear that you will call the cops on me and take me to jail again.
We love you. Hope this helps. Little steps...

So now I will present some of the things that I think would make this conversation a lot more productive.

Don’t Lie. it’s very simple actually ... Don’t deceive either. Tell the truth. Live in the TRUTH.
Think. I mean really think about what you are saying. Is it congruent with statements you have made in the past? Is it congruent to the life you have been living? I require people to think in conversations with me. If you ask me a question that is obviously answered, I feel like you are just going through the motions and wasting my time. If we can philosophize about why something is bad or good, because your attention span is so small that it can’t hold onto a paragraph, we need to identify that as the problem. I may not believe that the same things are good, or bad as you do, and vice versa. And so it is through conversation, philosophy, and debate where we can get to the root of what is going on, and why we are acquiring all this resentment. Focus on the concepts the other person is talking about, and less the language he or she uses to bring out those concepts. If you have to, regurgitate what they said into your own language (in your head, repeat it to them to make sure that it is congruent with their position, and then respond).
Please do not take the higher ground and look down on me, simply because you claim to be Christian. If you are Christian, and not living according to the ways that Christ laid out in the Bible, then you don’t get to claim this higher order, or priesthood of being the parents. I in turn will not look down on you in the same manner, and i will refrain from accusing you of not actually being Christian. (i have a strange belief creeping in that there are only a few actual Christians on this planet. I think the Amish, Anabaptists, and Mennonites have a strong candidacy for being true followers of the way and method Jesus Christ actually lived).

Be courageous. There are going to be some moments where you really don’t want to be having this conversation. You would rather be surfing, or drinking a cool Huburt’s Cherry Limade and playing the WiiU. We are not here because this is what we like to do on our day off. We are having this conversation because continuing the conversation, and rooting out the reasons the other persons feels slighted is important to our relationship as mother, father, son. It is important to the other relationships which come into contact with us. It is important for the family. So be courageous.
Don’t ask another question before the first one has been answered. If you ask how someone’s children are, don’t jump in with your family health before she has answered. But, ask questions. Be curious. Figure it out.
Do not interrupt another while he is speaking. Also, try to make your story short, giving the other person a chance to speak and not interrupt.
Do not contradict, especially if it’s not important. You are inserting unnecessary details into the person’s story. “The person who contradicts, frequently restates the matter in another way.”
Do not do all the talking. Also, don’t position yourself so that you are censoring the other person’s position either with filibuster, or with the silent treatment.
Don’t always be the hero of your story, however, the story should have a hero. Build up others as well as yourself.
Assume I am intelligent. I will assume you are. Let’s not have dumb conversations.

Here's how to start a conversation that will advance, heal and grow your most cherished relationships in seven steps.
1. Acknowledge the fact that you need to have a hard conversation.
2. Clarify your expectations. Be clear with yourself about what your experience should be—and the intention should not be to get your point across or declare who is right. "It's not to have your toxic dump," Iyanla says. "It is to heal, grow or expand the relationship."
3. Invite the other person to have a conversation with you. "Say, 'There are some things going on I want to share with you. I'd like to have this conversation,'" Iyanla says. "If they say no, don't take it personally. Say, 'Can I check back with you in a week? When will you be ready? Because this is important.'"
4. Set the ground rules—especially if you think there's potential for upset. "Say, 'I want to share something with you. I ask you to just listen, and then if you want to respond, I'll listen,'" Iyanla says. "Let's not call names, let's not swear, throw things, whatever. No name-calling, whatever your ground rules might be."
5. You have to be willing to listen. One of the biggest mistakes Iyanla says you can make is rehearsing the conversation in your head before and bringing preconceptions with you. Instead, get on the same side of the table as the other person and just sit with them. Hear what they need to say and be willing to say what you need to.
6. Be willing to be wrong. "Be willing to be wrong about what you thought they would say, what you thought they would do, how you thought they would respond, what you thought was going on," Iyanla says.
7. Agree on the next step. "At the end of the conversation, be sure you have the next steps for how you're going to behave, what the expectation is, what the next step will be, what you're expecting," she says. "Don't just leave a conversation without clarity about 'okay, now what are we doing?'"

me:

I hope this helps to identify what I am looking for in the conversation. I know that you guys have defense mechanisms, and you have resentment that has built up on your side as well. Realize that I am a 36 year old man next Tuesday, and that I am not in the mood to be treated like a child, or to be taught a lesson. Those days are behind us. Now we are looking to have good and effective communication so that we can understand where the other person is coming from, and so that we can mitigate further disrespectful behavior in the further.

Teach Me Oh Lord, To Love Like You

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